as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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