Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
