Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
