the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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