why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
