sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
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