My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
