Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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