I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
