Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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