just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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