god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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