Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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