I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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