Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
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I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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