Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
