you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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