I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
