people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
