South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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