she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
