in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
