Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
