She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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