There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
