my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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