i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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