Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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