White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
