Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This baby is an asshole
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
