A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
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