U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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