i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
did i just pee glitter
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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