I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it hurts more in the daytime
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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