we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
