Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
