If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
