we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes