i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
These tits shall not be calmed
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.