i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind