I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
