one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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