Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
