Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
