Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
