Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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