Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
