Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This house was built for laser tag.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
