If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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