She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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