I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
