Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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