my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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