Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
