Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
