Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
