I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
