Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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