dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
