dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
