never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize